Backstage at the (in)Fertility Oscars

My speech "on stage" has turned out to be long-ish. If this was really the Academy Awards, the orchestra would start playing the music and the usherettes or ushers of the show would half-escort, half-drag me to exit the stage.

But I still have some more people to thank. Good thing the camera will continue rolling backstage to give the awardees the chance to thank other people they have missed on stage. Better thing is that this isn’t really the Oscars and I can continue my speech.    

I thank my husband who has been my solid and stable partner in this journey. From being present in every meeting with the doctors to helping me with my injections. From reading many articles and journals about fertility-related studies to keeping my hopes up and embracing me when words became insufficient. He was there and I know he will continue to be there. This part of our life has brought us closer to each other. 

Photo credit: Wendy D. 

When most girls dreamed of meeting the men of their dreams, marrying, raising children in a nice big house, I dreamed of becoming a famous actress, a missionary, and world explorer. I had hoped of finding my special someone but never imagined I would actually find that person. One who accepts me for who I am – opinionated and silly, fantastic and fabulous. One who is different enough to make things interesting but who shares my values and priorities in life.

I thank Alanna and Ty for their emotional support and encouragement. They are always interested in hearing updates about our fertility treatments. They share disappointments and our joys. 

I thank Neil and all my dear friends – in Canada and in the Philippines, who may not always be up to date with every step of the journey but whose thoughts and prayers are important to me. You know who you are.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I say, it also takes a village to take care of each other.   

Preggers, eh?

Sitting in a café one afternoon, I heard someone call my name. I turned to see an acquaintance I first met in a fitness class.

“Oh my God, Sara, it’s been ages since we last saw each other,” she gushed. I smiled. I just wanted to be alone at that moment. Alone with my book, wanting to escape to a fictional universe, where my problems are locked away in the real world.

“How are you?” The acquaintance (I refuse to call her my friend) continued with her signature high-pitch, cheerful, saccharine sweet voice.

“Not bad,” I replied and shrugged. She stepped back and looked at me up and down, not unlike a judge would look at a cow in a country fair.

“Oh, Sara, don’t tell me….” she had an expression like she just heard she was announced winner of a beauty pageant. “Sara, are you pregnant?” Then she shrieked! I thought this was getting to be too much. She was getting on my nerves but still I continued to smile and act diplomatic.

“Oh, no, I’m not pregnant. I wish! It’s just food baby. Har Har!” I rambled on, a mix of emotion simmering inside me.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Then an awkward silence as both of us stood there. “Well,” the acquaintance was back to her cheerful self, “I better get going. My latte is getting cold.”

“It is.” I said with just a little bit of sarcasm. She said her goodbye and walked away. I sat down feeling deflated. Maybe I should have told her that I don’t look as fit and slim as she was because I’ve been lounging in my couch the past week depressed that our first attempt with fertility treatment didn’t work. That I have been loafing around in my house in my pajamas watching the boob tube for days on end or sleeping during the day because I can’t sleep at night.  That I have been eating lots of cookies, cakes and chips hoping, but not succeeding, to feel better. That I haven’t been exercising because I don’t really see the point anymore. This getting pregnant business is way harder than it seemed. Why do many women I know seem to just get pregnant without any trouble? I just want to crawl into a deep dark cave and stay there. But I did not. That day, I forced myself to take a shower and change and get out of the house to hopefully get out of my self-aggravated misery.

Yup, I should have told her all of that. I should have at least told her that to ask an infertile woman who has been trying hard to conceive if she was pregnant felt like a cruel joke. But somehow everything went too fast for me to give a thoughtful response.

And her latte was getting cold.

Great Eggs-pectation

Growing up in the Philippines, I know that the cultural pressure for a woman to marry and have children can be very intense. At 26 years old, I was already called a spinster in my village. I was questioned by family and strangers alike what my problem was. Why can’t I choose someone, anyone? Was I being too choosy? No, I said. I just haven’t met anyone who I think would be a suitable partner for me. Many of my relatives thought this was totally hogwash. I thought they should just leave me alone!

At 32, when I first moved to Canada, I met someone who I knew would be a suitable life partner for me. He thought I was a suitable life partner for him, too. So the Reader’s Digest version of the story is: we married and for a while my family and friends left alone. But not for long. After awhile, they started asking when we’re going to have a baby. All of these questions were honest and innocuous; but it came from a perspective that couples marry for the sole purpose of having children and that any couple can have children if and when they want to.

Reality is not that simple. Some couples (especially from Europe and North America) decide not to have children for practical, ethical or philosophical reasons. Like my hubby and I, some couples do want to have children but have infertility issues that make it harder for them to get pregnant without medical help. Endometriosis, PCOS, varicocele, and hormonal problems are just some of the many common causes of infertility[i].

If you haven’t heard much about infertility and some of its causes before, you’re not alone. Before I knew I had infertility issues, I was totally clueless about these things. I mean, I had life all planned out. I was going to have a baby after I do all the things in my check list. Simple enough. But I soon found out that life doesn’t work that way.

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[i] http://www.genesis-fertility.com/fertility-information/fertility-information