My Imaginary Speech at the (in)Fertility Oscars

I look forward to watching the 86^th Academy Awards later today, Sunday, March 4^th ! I'm a big fan of films and a bigger fan of award speeches.

If there is a “Keeping your Sanity despite the Crazy Journey in Infertility” Award, I may have a tiny shot of winning a trophy. (There will be thousands of other men and women nominees, too.) 

Let’s just imagine that there is such an award. Now imagine that I got that accolade (ehem, ehem).

This will be my speech:

Most of the narrative we hear or read about infertility focuses on couples with infertility issues. This is understandable. But today I’d like to center the spotlight on the men and women who help couples fulfill their dreams of having a child. In particular, I thank everyone – the doctors, nurses and clinic staff at our fertility clinic.

To Dr. Beth Taylor, fertility doctor extraordinaire. It’s not often that you get the right combination of a doctor who is an expert in her field and also have the understanding of the roller-coaster ride infertile couples experience. Her intelligence, curiosity and analytical skills makes me think that she is some kind of a CSI – albeit not with crime scenes but with infertility issues.

Dr. Taylor is better than all the CSIs put together though. They’re all fictional characters and she’s not. She’s a superb scientist, yes. She also has the sensitivity of an artist. Her empathy and compassion is a solace, especially in days when hope seemed out of reach.  I can go on with my ode to Dr. Taylor ad infinitum. 

We also had the opportunity to work with Dr. Nakhuda and Dr. Hitkari. Both doctors are very knowledgeable and answered questions clearly, patiently and cheerfully.

To the many wonderful nurses of the clinic whose ability, skill and dedication are remarkable. Special mention goes to Paula, sunshine personified. I first met Paula in the clinic’s support group and was struck with her talent in explaining medical concepts in a way that is accessible to many. What I most appreciate most about Paula is her warm and caring ways. Her positive attitude is an inspiration.

Mikki is also another nurse who made a difference. Some medications taken during an IVF cycle can have different side-effects on different people. One medication was making me really depressed. I called the nurses’ line of the clinic. I talked to Mikki who gave essential support. She stayed on the line until both of us felt confident that I was safe and out of harm’s way.

Other nurses, like Biddy, Nicola, Anna and Wendy (who has a great sense of humor!), have all been helpful and kind. One of the hardest jobs nurses do, I think, is informing fertility patients of a negative pregnancy test. All those who have had this difficult job of delivering unfortunate news to me have done so with exceptional sensitivity and compassion. Being in the front line, every committed nurse is an asset to a fertility clinic.

To all the clinic staff: the men and women of the laboratory, the administrative team, and the team at the front-desk including those who answer phone inquiries. All of them have shown exceptional competence in their own area. I've also felt that they have a real understanding of the intense emotional upheaval that usually accompanies fertility treatments. 

Tracy at the front desk is always friendly and helpful. I suspect she has a special ability to assess (in seconds!) the demeanor of people who come in to the clinic. From the nervous first-timer to the lost-a-couple-of-times-but-still-hopeful “regular” patients like my husband and I.

Going through infertility without the support and company of the dedicated men and women of our fertility clinic would have been very difficult, if not impossible. Imagine Frodo Baggins, bearer of the One Ring, trekking to Mount Doom, without the help of Samwise, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli and the other Middle-Earth folks. How could Frodo have survived the orcs, goblins and the evil Lord, Sauron, just by himself? He wouldn’t have.

This is not Mount Doom but Mount Jefferson in Oregon.
Photo Credit: R.H.

I think the “trophy” at the (in)Fertility Oscar’s isn’t having a child. Of course, every infertile couple (or single without a partner) who wishes for a child, wants to eventually have a child. But the trophy isn’t really the child.

It is continuing to love yourself and your partner despite the disappointments. It’s in the knowledge that, although the child you’re hoping for will add to the joy in your life, not having a child does not necessarily diminish your zest for life. It is in not succumbing to bitterness and anger. 

It’s in the deep conviction that whether you’ll eventually be gifted with a child or decide to live child-free, you’ll remain the beautiful person that you are.

The men and women at Olive Fertility Centre have helped me keep my sanity so that I won’t lose sight of who I really am. A complete, loving and caring woman. With or without a child.        

A New Chapter Begins

Flashback: October 29^th, 2013. I had recently finished another IVF cycle. Our third.

My husband, let’s call him RH, and I were sitting in the office of Dr. Taylor, our fertility doctor. It was a sunny but cool day. It was warm inside Dr. Taylor’s office, though. Too warm. I hadn’t taken my winter jacket off, though I opened the front zipper. The sun was streaming through the glass wall. The warmth reminded me of siesta time when I was a little girl in the Philippines. The warmth felt very familiar and so was the disappointment.

Two weeks before our visit with Dr. Taylor, the verdict was in. The pregnancy test was negative. Again. I should say this was not a surprise. Based on our experience in the first and second IVF cycles, my ovaries were not responding well. A higher dosage was prescribed in the third IVF cycle but the number of ova or egg cells was still quite measly. This confirmed my suspicion that I have very low ovarian reserve. It’s not rocket science really. I was 40 then and I just turned 41 January of this year. What did I expect?

RH and I have always liked Dr. Taylor. An intelligent woman with a gift in making complex concepts easy to understand, she has always been honest and open with us. Whenever we asked a question that she didn’t know the answer to, she told us. Like the other doctors, nurses, and staff in that fertility clinic, Dr. Taylor has shown us great compassion and empathy throughout our whole journey. Most of all she has always been very patient with us. My husband and I are probably some of the geekiest patients Dr. Taylor has ever encountered. We would ask her about the veracity of the information we have researched on our own. We sought her opinion and respected her insights. I think that she might have enjoyed our geekiness a little! She wrote a blog (aptly entitled "Stats 101") that included RH’s probability computation.

Dr. Taylor’s recommendation was for us to seriously consider an egg donor program. Essentially, this means using another woman’s (a younger woman’s) eggs. Using RH’s sperm, an embryo will be later transferred to my uterus. In some circumstances, a family member or a close friend could potentially donate eggs to an infertile woman. R and I don’t know anyone who could do that for us. I mean, I have friends and relatives in the Philippines who would probably offer us their ova. Or at least, consider it. But they are on the other side of the Pacific Ocean. It’s just not logistically possible. Since buying and selling ova is not allowed in Canada, our best option was to go to a fertility clinic in Seattle.

As Dr. Taylor was handing us the brochures of possible clinics in Seattle, I burst into tears! RH held my left hand and squeezed it tight.

“It’s okay,” he assured me. “We’ll try again, Sweetie,” 

“I know,” I replied while wiping my nose. “That’s not why I’m crying.”  

Dr. Taylor and RH looked at me kindly but with perplexed looks on their faces. They probably thought I was devastated by the failure of yet another IVF cycle. I had accepted that fact. I was ready to move on to the next chapter. I was crying because I was going to miss the people at the clinic!

Happy Un-mother’s Day!

Today is Mother’s Day. 

I think that aside from Christmas, Mother’s Day is the other holiday when it can be difficult for women with fertility issues. It’s best to avoid reading your former high school classmates’ Facebook status updates about their children giving them Mother’s Day cards, flowers or breakfast in bed. It almost seemed like there is a competition for the “aaawww, how sweet” factor. It started getting depressing. For me, yes. Not to them, of course.

I thought it best to be kick-ass about the situation. SO I wrote this as my status update:

I think that as a society we should seriously reconsider our definition of motherhood to include all women who have nurtured us and cared for us. They may not have their own children but they have conceived many ideas and thoughts that made a difference in our lives. They have given birth to beautiful works of art. Their kindness and spirit gave birth to our new and renewed selves. So as I think of my own Nanay (mother), I also think of the many important and childless women in my life, Aunt Anne, Aunt Flor, my cousin Myrna, my former teachers – Ms. Ba-ad, Ms. Abellon, Ms. Esmero, the nuns in my school – Sr. Myrna, Sr. Julia, Sr. Godfreda. I say to you: Happy Mother's Day! You have contributed to the woman I am today.    

Friends and former students sent greetings to me which was reassuring. Just as I was preparing to write this journal, I got a heartwarming message from my 16-year old stepdaughter. 

Just wanted to say happy Mother's Day!  You truly are an inspirational person, with your free spirit, thoughtfulness, warmness and creativity! You don't have to give birth to someone to be a mother for sure because you give me so much guidance and more! And you don't have to fit the role of a stereotypical mother either! Just keep being you and that's enough for me. 

Xoxo 

Well. That wasn’t too bad for my un-Mother’s Day. 

It's a Fertile World

One of the things I’m learning a lot now about infertility is not just the science aspect of it. More and more, I’m getting pretty familiar with the emotional roller coaster that infertility brings. In my research, fertility experts strongly suggest that couples dealing with infertility issues seek help and support from friends and family.

After our first attempt at fertility treatment last month, I have not shared my situation to many. Well-meaning friends and family members may not know it but sometimes they make things worse by spewing out platitudes. Friends and family always have good intentions but things that were originally meant to make the other feel better sometimes end up being hurtful and insensitive. One of my fears is that they would not understand. Believe me, I have been in the same situation. When hubby and I started visiting the fertility clinic, there was a sign at the reception area that said: “In consideration of our other clients, please refrain from bringing children to the clinic.”

Acting like a total buffoon, I pointed the sign to hubby and said: “Do you think women will break down and bawl their eyes out when they see a kid?” I laughed hysterically. The thought was so comical to me. This was two years ago. The past months though, I am the one breaking down and blubbering when I check my Facebook.  I see high school classmates, friends and former students posting ultrasound of their babies (technically a fetus yet but that doesn't stop them from calling it a baby), photos of their baby bumps, gazillon photos of their newborn babies and copious updates of the latest antics and perceived brilliance of their progeny. It’s practically driving me up the (Facebook) wall!

Tomorrow I am thinking of posting this: “In consideration of over-sensitive, touchy, infertile women, please restrain yourself from blatantly showing off your fertility!”